July passed by without a post because of intensives. Working twelve hour work days for four weeks straight drained me. I'm still trying to catch up on sleep. Things are looking up again. I get to go back to tae kwon do. I missed having my mornings. I can restart my Korean lessons again, and get back into my reading. I have a pile of books that needs attention.  I need to stop collecting books because I get too attached to them. I'll end up mailing a ton of books home to add to my collection back home. At least I know I'm on my way to having my dream library in my future home.

My original plan was to take this year off to relax before grad school but I feel that even after this year, I will not feel prepared to go back. People are pushing me to rush back into school, and I don't like it. First of all, my GRE review book is a dust collector. Secondly, I have been bouncing back and forth between majors and I'm unsure once again. Moreover, if I can't pick a major, I can't even pick a school. Maybe I should just trash this plan, move to Europe and go to culinary school like I always wanted to. Going to culinary school always reminds me of Sabrina. It's perfect. You go to Europe for a couple of years and when you come back, you have a Linus Larrabee, and live happily ever after. I just wish life was that simple.

I've been having the weirdest cravings lately. The other day, i wanted some lu rou fan. Last week, I craved for taho. Today, I don't know what I'd give up for some really good baba ganoush. When I came to Korea, I didn't know I was going to be eating so much ramen. I need to be more adventurous and find new places to eat.

I miss my friends. I miss every single one of them. I miss the ones from home. I miss sitting all day at the coffee shop talking about anything and everything under the sun. I miss laughing with my sisters. I miss the ones who were here. Sometimes I have something that I want to say to them but then realize that they aren't my neighbors anymore. I've always wondered if I'd really meet all these different kinds of people without coming to Korea. Doesn't God try to teach us through the people we meet? If I didn't meet these people, would I still have learned the same things or not at all? Were all of us really friends or will things be forgotten? Foreign places do silly things to relationships. Would we all really be friends if we saw each other outside of Korea? Fuck, I just hate goodbyes. I hate sped up friendships.

Hello. ~ Goodbye.

Today was a lonely day for me. I hope I'm not starting to get homesick. I left home because there was nothing there for me, and I was hoping that something like this would push me into some new direction. It doesn't have to be the right one but I wanted it to be somewhere different. I guess it's better than waking up every day to my old office job where I was too overworked and underpaid, not to mention that I didn't even have health insurance. I shouldn't feel homesick. I just left everything that I hated.
If I'm not homesick, then my next self diagnosis is culture shock. I obviously don't speak any Korean except for "anyong haseyo" and "kamsahamnida". This is seriously one of my biggest hurdles here. I can manage to find a tae kwon do master but I can't find a Korean tutor. I hate it when the locals come up to me and speak Korean. Do I really look Korean? Maybe I just had an extremely exceptional double eyelid surgery so I can pass for one. I really want to like it here but the ignorance is slowly getting to me, both mine and theirs. For people who want to be global leaders, you sure know about other people. First of all, you think all black haired, brown eyed people should know your language. Next, you say I can't possibly be from America, and to top it off I'm black. How am I supposed to deal with this? I can't be angry because they simply don't know. It's the same in America. Most Americans don't know a lot about other people...so do we just accept it? How can we teach each other?
If I'm neither homesick or culture shocked, then I'm going back to my original feeling of loneliness.


My favorite children's book of all time that I recommend adults to read, The Little Prince, tells me that it's also lonely among men. Even in the presence of good people, you can still feel lonely. I've had this feeling once before. It's not that noone cares. I don't really know how to explain it but this feeling of lonliness can't be cured even by your best friend. I don't need cheering up or comfort. Maybe my heart or mind is in a different place, as if I'm not on the same page with the world. I want time to stop right now so I can recover from this feeling and get back on track. I hate it when things just don't feel right. I don't know what kind of closeness I need to not be lonely anymore. The last time I felt like this, I just let it pass. Should I do the same as before or try something new? Okay, now let me just clean up the mess that my brain just made.

*Random Sidenote: I really want some 仙草奶绿茶 (grass jelly green milk tea) right now.